


the only time i would call you mine

by doubtthestars



Series: the words we cant pronounce [1]
Category: Football RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Demi!Benni, Demisexuality, Love Polygon, M/M, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Poly!Benni, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 09:10:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5242691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubtthestars/pseuds/doubtthestars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I love Neven." Mats is resolute. He is not shaking, the ground is, because he doesn't want to hurt Benni and the world complies with that wish.</p><p>"I know." Benni doesn't smile. The lines that edge his mouth are hiding from him and the picture is so wrong because Benni is kind even when he's hurting. He almost misses the next part. "I'm losing colors." Mats is unsteady, blown away by the words. Was it his fault?</p>
            </blockquote>





	the only time i would call you mine

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a response to Contra's "Fate's Most Faithful Rejects" then took a sharp turn into the garbage heap of my thoughts.
> 
> Note: #1: I lost the original draft of this (all of Benni's part basically) which is why the lengths of the 'scenes' in Benni's are so short. I couldn't remember everything but I tried to give the general outline of how it went.
> 
> Note #2: I literally have no idea what I'm doing. the colorblind trope was never on my to do list so take this all of this with a grain of salt.
> 
> Note #3: I don't know how to do endings.

It starts with a tackle.

No, it starts with Mats and Benni being roommates.

Benni is interested in Mats like he is interested in beautiful art, the architecture of gothic churches or Bernini's statues. He is more interested in breaking Manu's cycle of self-deprecation and getting Mesut to talk to Sami rather than try to blend in with the wall. Mats is involved with someone and it is no business of Benni's to interrupt unless he wanted to get to bed early and Mats was still on the phone.

It was only polite to stop wondering.

"They're obviously not soulmates." Manuel flips through a book, wondering if he could train himself to speed-read as he starts counting how many times the author has used Meanwhile as a transition. Benni winces. He flashes back to Lisa's sixteenth birthday and inching closer to kiss. It's disappointing in more than one way. He loves Lisa fiercely, more than a sister yet everything changed that day when colors didn't appear along with the birthday wishes.

Manuel throws a glove at his head. "Stop thinking so loud, you're messing my counting up. He'll figure it out eventually. There are no happy endings when it comes to shades. The world only cares about colors." Manuel exhales loudly through his noise, the matter-of-fact words echoing in the silent room.

 

After Mats kisses him, or he kisses Mats, (--it was an accident, he says. Manu knits his eyebrows together) the world is different and he is a new man.

He has a handful of words to label himself with. He knows he prefers guys. He would rather be little spoon and he's slept with Lisa and Manu enough to know he doesn't care what side of the bed he ends up waking up in. 

The sex is a marvel, because colors make everything better, and Mats is a work of art he can see and touch for himself. (Mats is involved--)

His fascination with the thin skin of his wrist, the blue veins, makes him miss the way his soulmate is withdrawing from him. The bed is an island, paradise is colorful but at what cost?

Mats turns his back to him. He counts his sparse freckles. 

Lisa meets her soulmate a week after he does. (Manu complains about their luck, "Mats and Cathy, what kind of names are those?" Lisa shushes him because it's her week to pick the movie and her favorite part in Stardust is coming up.)

 

After the derby, he feels ill. It was easy to connect the dots. Neven was still in love with Mats. The brightness hurts his eyes and his headache spreads to his temples. Mats comes in with a glass of cold water and an aspirin. He swallows down the tablet and drinks some water.

"Are you okay?" The tackle was worse than he thought if he was still feeling it. His phone case is Schalke blue but in the light, it's changing.

"I don't know." Brown concern makes him feel guilty.

Benni is selfish. He likes one of a kind furniture and monogrammed wallets, little details that make it easier to distinguish what belonged to him. Maybe it was borne of the time when colors were just names and he could only tell different materials by touch but he knew Mats wasn't something he could put a label on.

Neven was still in love with Mats. Mats was--Mats  _is_  his soulmate. What does soulmate even mean? He appreciates Mats. He likes Mats, but love is still in the wings.

(Love is Manu kicking the ball to him on a fresh field, is Lisa's smile after getting to the hospital on time, is the sky changing as the sun rotates around the earth. It is wanting to share the colors with  _someone else_  because it is too much to experience in one lifetime.)

* * *

 

"I love Neven." Mats is resolute. He is not shaking, the ground is, because he doesn't want to hurt Benni and the world complies with that wish.

"I know." Benni doesn't smile. The lines that edge his mouth are hiding from him and the picture is so wrong because Benni is kind even when he's hurting. He almost misses the next part. "I'm losing colors." Mats is unsteady, blown away by the words. Was it his fault? Benni finally smiles, but it's a smile he's seen on children in the hospitals they visit as a team and his lungs start violently, the air compressed.

"What--what, how?" He feels as if everything inside him is seizing and turning to immobile marble. His body refusing to obey him. Benni answers calmly even though Mats knows this must be breaking his heart. "It started a couple months ago."

Benni loves to point out different shades of color every time they go out. He revels in little difference unlikes Mats who has a tint of bitterness to every new discovery. What was it worth, if he couldn't--why did he kiss Benni then, his mind taunted.

(It was Pandora's box)

His body finally goes in motion, getting to Benni's side and pulling him into a tight hug. His arms go around his neck, breath shuddering against his skin. What kind of friend was he to Benni, that he hadn't noticed for _months_? His eyes water as Benni hides in his arms.

Relief and compassion start firing in equal turns in his chest. He could be better, with all his secrets already on the table. 

(Hope and expectation lay at the bottom of their hearts)

 

Benni stares at certain things in the house like he is trying to commit them to memory, the blue blanket on the sofa, the green kettle Melanie gave them as a housewarming gift, the long curtains Lisa helped him pick out. He stares like a starving man and Mats can't watch him do this to himself. He feels like he has to do something.

"I can't just sit around and do nothing. I owe it to him." Manu's grip tightens around the handle of his mug, a washed out red, almost brick-colored. Their meeting after their respective practices was at a cafe, hidden away and small, and witness of the wrong turn the conversation was taking.

"Shut up and stop being so fucking _selfish_." Manuel hisses out angrily. It was an anger Mats didn't see outside of games with the national team when a mistake cost them heavily. Manuel was always a laid-back guy, a bit wry and witty, but this was a different Manuel, not the one he was used to.

"Are you this pitying to Benni? Because if you are, I'll punch you in your stupid handsome face right now. He won't even let me visit because," He pauses, measuring his breathing, looking up with wet eyes, blue, as if the sky had broken into pieces and somehow settled inside of him. Mats is shocked at the thought, "-because he says I remind him of all the colors he'll miss. You're not the only one who thinks you should be doing better by him." Manu's eyes probe him unsettling and solidifying a blooming realization.

Mats had to ask, "Are you in love with him?" He feels foolish. He's seen Benni and Manu for years without really _seeing_ them together. Manu sniffs, his eyes too clear to hide the tears he was holding back.

"God, Mats, of course I am. He's been my best friend for over half my life. I love him and he loves me and don't you get it yet? Soulmates are all around us. They don't have to do anything with seeing fucking colors. I would never trade my colorless life to find someone who doesn't know me like Lisa and Benni do. I may never see the sky right but that doesn't have _anything_ to do with love." He puts down enough money to cover his cup of tea on the table, done with explaining.

"A word of advice, Mats, some people count on you getting your head out of your ass." Manuel leaves with set shoulders and thunderous air around him. Mats stays until his coffee gets cold and well past that.

 

Things get better before they get worse. 

Mats tries to hold onto two hearts without breaking his own. The resentment of not-Neven that clouded the world he co-existed in with Benni had lifted. They were fractured soulmates becoming friends. 

"Most public place you've had sex?" Mats laughs as their twenty questions predictably turns to what makes Benni blush the hardest. He finds out Benni hates figs and is allergic to cats and he tells him he's afraid of being trapped in small spaces. They compromise on Thai take-out as their go to and he learns Benni is way better with chopsticks than he is. Lisa and Cathy are over, the girls definitely his partners in crime when embarrassing the Schalke player.

"Easy, dinner with me, he was drunk off of wine and we went into the bathroom." Lisa's cheeks are red, from laughing and the wine-coolers they brought to the house. Cathy's head was on her lap as she yelled 'WRONG!' She had a knack of telling when someone was bluffing and Benni had a tell that told her he was hiding something.

They all looked expectantly towards him. Benni cleared his throat, "The Bayern dressing room." Dramatic gasps make him pause. Mats chokes on his spit in disbelief. 

"The betrayal, Benni. I can't believe Manu would-" Benni looked away and up to the ceiling. His ears red as a sports car. Mats and Lisa looked at each other. Lisa shook her head slightly to signal she hadn't known the story. Benni opened his mouth, "It was Boa, you gossips. This doesn't leave the room, okay? It was a one-time thing." 

Cathy whistles, "It really is always the quiet ones." Lisa claps a hand over Cathy's mouth. Mats starts laughing and sets off everyone else.

Later that night, after they tuck the girls into the guest bedroom, Benni turns to him. 

"Could you bring Neven over some time? I want to see him before...I want to see him like you see him." Mats lets out a shaky breath. Benni's sight had been oscillating between leeched colors and the full spectrum. He had a hard time especially with blues and greens. They couldn't tell anyone, how could they? Soulmates were the end all, be all and colors were the result. Everyone knew they were together, if there was something _wrong_ with them...

"You're too good to me, Benni. It may take some time to convince him." Mats kisses the crown of his head, cuddling up to him. Benni huffs out a chuckle. 

"I'm sure you could use your wiles for good this once. All I know about Neven is he's got a mean streak and he started playing in the United States before following Klopp to Dortmund." Mats closes his eyes, trying to paint a picture of his partner adequate enough to show everything about him.

"He takes the derby very seriously. It's not a mean streak. He just acts tough. It's saved him more than enough times that he uses it as a smokescreen. He's a bit prickly but you only know he's really angry when he's too quiet. He just carries it around like a weight." Benni hums.

* * *

 

Neven feels disappointment curdle in his stomach along with the one beer he had before texting Mats he would accept the invitation. It was only a matter of time before Mats had to let him go. He loved him but they were on borrowed time. No one would recognize them, would acknowledge the love they had. 

(They didn't need it, but he was blind)

Mats opens the door and it smells like the pasta Mats likes. Jealousy hums in his head. He takes in a deep breath, memorizing the taste of Mats' happiness, of Howedes' house and put-together coziness. 

He couldn't say goodbye first. It would shred the last bastion of his strength. Neven had taken everything in stride. From their first kiss to this dinner, but he couldn't sever himself from Mats before swallowing whatever speech was pre-ordained for the moment. 

"Neven, Benni is--" _his soulmate_ , the partner he should have instead of Neven, who couldn't get colors to grow between them. "--he's losing colors. Manu has been digging for more information but most of the cases mean," Mats shakes his head. A hand grabs Mats'. Neven closes his eyes, wanting to look away for just a moment of respite. It was worse, actively watching it rather than hearing the jibes of their teammates. 

"It usually means your soulmate is dying." Neven feels himself pale, air lacking and blood rushing to some hole in his heart that beats with, 'it can't be, it can't be'. 

"Neven," Mats cups his face with cool hands. "I'm alright. I'm not dying." He latches onto Mats, unashamed in his relief. The solidness of his partner keeping him from going off the deep end. The shock was still working through his system. Eating grudgingly well prepared food was the last thing on his mind.

"I told you not to lead with that Matsi. This is exactly why we needed to talk to you, Neven." Benni barely rests his hand on his shoulder, well-meaning, but Neven's guard is still ticking away the time. 

"We don't know what's wrong with me, but we want this to work. I don't want to treat this is a silent issue. You're part of Mats' life and I am too. I would like to at least be friendly. If you want?" Benedikt extends his hand and he's not staring at the arm around Mats, there's no concern on his face, hell, there might be a bit of bemusement at the situation. Neven clinging to Mats like a child and Mats trying to sooth him. 

He takes the hand and Benni smiles warmly. 

(The clock resets)

Neven meets the rest of the group for Benedikt's birthday party. Cathy keeps eyeing him up and Neuer tells him to not give the girls an inch or they will take him for all he's worth. It's a smaller affair than he thought with the Schalke captain only inviting three other teammates. Mats had explained the Schalke boys had their own tradition when it came to Benni's birthday bash. Neuer and Lisa got to have him first and then all the team got him roaring drunk in time to be hungover for practice the next afternoon. 

"I think Lisa just adopted Lena and Julian. I should go warn them but it's my birthday after all." Benedikt (because he had to needle him somehow) had the glassy eyes of someone well on their way to trashed. He looked unruffled and happy to be surrounded by all his friends. Neven still had a pang of envy in him, even if he was sure no one would bat an eyelash if he kissed Mats on the makeshift dance floor happening in the middle of the room.

He knew he still had Mats' love but he couldn't deny there was something between Benedikt and Mats. Neven had a hard time not feeling like he was a spare third. 

"It's not a competition. I love you both in different ways but there's intersecting lines sometimes. I'm not having my cake and eating it too. This is working for all of us, isn't it?" Mats is pouring the batter for the cake, looking ridiculously domestic. Neven is helping with the third batch of icing, adding drops of food coloring before Mats can correct him. 

"How did you get the right shade of blue?" Mats is amazed. Neven rolls his eyes. "I added until it looked like the Schalke kits. Just because I can't see the differences in color doesn't mean the hue doesn't change." Mats kisses him, tasting like sugar. 

"You're perfect."

The third round of shots was making its way around the room, having given up on Never Have I Ever because Neuer had been surprisingly close-lipped about himself. Ralf and Huntelaar were looking through Lisa's music selection and Cathy was dancing with Mats and Lena. 

Lisa offered him the last shot with the same sort of open smile Benni had. Neven took it with a silent toast to her service in getting them drunk. Cathy gaily laughed and grabbed Mats' arm to show him a weird line-dance that went horribly with the beat of the music. 

"Kiss, kiss, goose for the birthday boy!" Lisa announced smugly as she whispers to Benni, too low for Neven to catch over the music. Benni looks resigned to the little game the girls had cooked up to keep the entertainment high. The next person to pass out shots had to do a round robin with the others to kiss, kiss and make out before leaving the room. Cathy had made out with Neven, Lisa had made out with Julian to his shock and now it was Benni's turn. He pecked Julian who looked ready to fly away. He got to Fahrmann who dipped him comically; Huntelaar, who definitely slipped him some tongue. Benni talked to Lena before kissing her hand and she kissed his cheek. 

Cathy gave it her all and smacked one on Benni, too tiny not to climb on him. Ralf wolf-whistled. Neven looked for Lisa who had found a comfortable seat on the couch with Neuer, leaning her head on his shoulder and sitting on his lap without a care. As Benni made his way around, he got to Neven last. The kiss tasted like lipstick and vodka. 

He stumbled back as the world unfolded itself and re-aligned. Benni's brown,  _brown_  eyes were wide, reflecting his surprise. 

Benedikt Howedes had kissed him. (Colors were so _bright)_

Benedikt Howedes was his soulmate.

 

The solution had been in front of them all along. Mats had taken the birthday surprise as oddly as one might expect. The party went on with the promise to not talk about it until they were well and truly sober, shelving it until the next day. Neven had drunk beer until the room spun, not feeling sociable enough to hold a conversation without the bubbling hysterical laughter that was struggling to come out. 

He was inordinately proud of the royal blue icing on Benedikt's cake as he blew out the candles (six for as many leap years) and Mats disappeared to his bedroom as Lisa started cleaning up. Ralf had sobered up enough to drive Huntelaar home and Lena had fallen asleep on the couch. Julian was offered the other loveseat. Neuer carried Cathy to the guest bedroom. 

"I'll go talk to him. Just give me a few minutes." Benni's hand followed the curve of his shoulder before patting it. Neven nodded dumbly, too exhausted to protest.

He fell asleep on the recliner before Benni came out again and covered him with a blanket.

 

In the quiet morning, Neven woke up to the sound of the tea kettle. The world was brand new and he staggered to the closest window to look at the most marvelous sight he had ever seen. His eyes blurred the colors of the morning sky. How could he have ever despised the beauty of color. 

He couldn't now. 

Neven turned at the clinking of mugs and walked to the kitchen. Benedikt was a different person in this light, in color, with his hair messy and a bathrobe on. 

"Mats is still sleeping. I could never get the passing out part of drinking. I made you some tea, milk and honey." Benni wasn't acting out of the ordinary and maybe it was because he had already had colors before kissing him but Neven was stupefied at Benni's calm.

"Thank you." His emotions are in a whirlwind but he doesn't want to cry in front of the Schalke player, so he burns his tongue as he sips on his perfectly made tea. Benedikt doesn't push, sharing the silence comfortably. The light green mug that read 'may the force be with you' warming his hands. 

Mats wakes up with red, bleary eyes and the vocabulary of a toddler, a familiar sight to both men watching the news at a low volume to not risk waking anybody else up. Benni gets up and goes to the kitchen to grab Mats' coffee. The zombie shuffles over to Neven who was eating muesli in the recliner, and takes the spot Benni vacated on the floor. He leans back and whines until the Serbian combs his fingers through his curls.

"You worried me." 

Mats sighed, "M'sorry." Benni comes back with a cheery yellow mug that has a cursive 'you are my sunshine' and steaming hot coffee. He sits on the other end, still close enough to bump Mats if he sat cross-legged. He changed the channel to something more entertaining. 

"Do you think Cathy remembers anything from last night?" Benni snorts, shaking his head. Mats groans in delight as he gulps down caffeine he shouldn't have. 

"She's a party animal. Wait, how am I the only one who hasn't been mauled by the party pixie?" Mats pouts and it's Neven's turn to groan. He shares a look with Benni who can't help but laugh at his soulmates.

"Don't encourage her. She'll end up moving in and then we'll have to bring in Lisa and Manu and probably Julian and Lena. It would be a full house." Benedikt ticks off the names on his fingers. Neven gets a headache from trying to figure out what you would call a relationship between eight people, an octo-something. It would be a _mad_ _house_.

"Did I miss something besides you two being soulmates all this time?" Mats pulls off the joke successfully because Benni only nudges him with a socked foot. 

"Lisa never does anything by halves and her victim of choice last night was definitely Julian." He is serious enough to make Neven a little scared at the possibility that they would end up caught in the romantic version of russian roulette. He had a hard enough time wrapping his head around Benedikt being both Mats and his soulmate.

"Julian has literally had a crush on you since forever and he's making the same eyes at Lisa--no, nope. Benni, I refuse to corrupt a little Schalker. You do that on your own time. We're not facilitating a harem or whatever it is for Lisa."

Neven hears a bear groan come from the other room. He hopes it's Neuer waking up and nothing else. He thinks he might yet get used to the bedlam of Mats' new life.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Love is complicated and I tried my best to write this trio organically falling in love with each other or getting on that track. Thanks for reading.
> 
> A small soundtrack: The Hills-The Weeknd//Love Me Like You Do-Ellie Goulding//Desire-Years & Years//Omen-Disclosure ft Sam Smith//Love Me Harder-Ariana Grande & The Weeknd//What I Did For Love-David Guetta ft Emile Sande//Haunting-Halsey//Alive-Sia//XO-Beyonce


End file.
